1 Year . . . .

1 Year . . . . As of today, September 7, 2018, it's been one year since my big remodel, officially known as a Tracheobronchoplasty. To be honest, it kind of snuck up on me and could have easily gone unnoticed and uncelebrated. But celebrate, I will! This past year has just flown by, as they seem to do as I get older. My Granny always told me that would happen, that the years would eventually go by so fast that they would blend in to one another and pass by before we knew what happened. As usual, she was right.

I wish I could tell you that the past year has been easy peasy and that I have my full health back, that I'm living on easy breathing street and that all is right in my world. However, as most of you know, well if you've kept up with my health journey in this blog anyway, that none of that is the case. My breathing is definitely better - there's absolutely no doubt about it. I can now walk across my living room without doubling over in a coughing fit. In fact, I can do lots of things without doubling over in coughing fits. And believe me when I tell you that's been amazing!

Beyond, easier breathing, however, I cannot say too much as changed. In fact in many ways I feel as though I've taken a few giant steps backwards. As much as I hate to say it, I'm probably averaging close to as many days bing sick as I have that I feel well. I've been lucky enough to visit the ER 12 times since the middle of last October. I guess I just didn't experience them enough prior to the remodel and thought it would be a great idea to keep going back on average of every 6 weeks. For practically every ER visit, there's been a trip to urgent care. During exasperations when I am forced into visiting the ER and more often than not being completely frustrated by those visits, I become so jaded and overwhelmed by the thought of going to the ER yet again that I will eventually give in to the need to receive treatment and head to the urgent care. It's always a toss up as to where I should go first. You see, after a couple of those urgent care visits I found myself referred right back to the ER, so I just should have started there to begin with. I just never know. . . .

For all of the ER and urgent care trips, there's been that many more phone calls and trips to

National Jewish. My car knows the way to Denver all by itself for sure - too bad I don't have auto pilot! I've had to change pulmonologists and general practitioners due to both of them moving on to new practices/locations. I've been been referred to and seen a GI specialist, which led to my latest diagnosis of reflux. I've had tests, tests, and more tests. I've had new medications added, then taken away, and then added back in again. I've been put on a steroid, taken off said steroid, and put back on the steroid. I've not been on antibiotics very often as most of what I contract is viral. Someone seriously needs to start researching how to cure viruses. Some of those viruses I've contracted have been doozies and extremely difficult to get over.

Speaking of viruses, since last October I've had (in succession) sinus/upper respiratory infection, the flu - twice, another upper respiratory infection. In February RSV set in, and holy hell it was a living hell. That particular virus lasted nearly three months, bringing with it a horrendous headache that I still have and just learned to live with. It was joyous. Since February I've contracted a few more respiratory infections, which seem to be my ailment of choice. Or as my pulmonologist said, those pesky infections really like me; I'm extremely prone to them.

I haven't been able to accumulate enough time in between each successive virus to actually heal completely from the first one before another one sets in. The diagnosis of reflux has helped determine one of the reasons I am so prone to upper respiratory infections. The reflux comes up so high that I am aspirating the reflux down into my airways, which causes my airways to stay inflamed, which allows for infections to set in easier. Fun stuff!

Additionally, I was just diagnosed with sleep apnea. I will soon be the proud owner of one of the most beautiful evening accessories ever - a CPAP. They are super sexy and I know that all of you will be jealous and want one of your own! :) I go see the sleep doctor in a week or two for my follow up and to be fitted for the lovely CPAP. During my sleep study, I tried on a small one that fit around my nostrils, but it wasn't very comfy. I also tried on the fuller face "maskie looking" one, which is the one she put on me in the middle of the night. I've done some research and found one that was sort of a blend between the two and will inquire about it when I see Dr. Malich. All joking aside, even though one never sleeps their best during a sleep study, when I woke up and got ready to leave I noticed that my headache was significantly less intense than normal. I am actually ready to have my new accessory, to sleep well, and to have my headache diminished at least a little!

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None of above is what I had in mind when I took on the big remodel. I've actually undergone a much larger remodel than I had originally anticipated. Let me explain. All of the things listed above have prevented me from living the life I want to live for the moment. All of it has left me exhausted and weakened in every aspect of my life. But none of it has broken me, nor will it - ever!

The reality is that I've actually had five years of fighting for my health and for my life. This fight began when I lived in a house infested with black mold. To this day I'm still a walking, talking human mold detector. It takes no time, and the tiniest amounts of mold, for my body to be set off. When you stop to think about it, it's a neat trick. Maybe someone can develop a super hero after me . . . This five year battle is what brought me to this one year TBPiversary. In all honesty I've learned and grown more as a person from these experiences than if I had just continued living my normal, rather spoiled/lucky, existence I had been living.

In the past I always knew I was a pretty strong woman. I could step up and take charge when others were in distress. I was a natural leader in my own quiet manner. (For those of you who do not know me personally, I am a fairly quiet and unassuming individual.) I was a very determined, mindful, and fiercely independent woman. I have been so blessed in my life, I cannot be saddened by this journey I've found myself on. I have done and experienced things that most people do not ever even dream of doing. I've reached the pinnacle of education, with a Ph.D. in a field I still love to this day, communication. I've had great successes in my work life. I've traveled all over the world (there's still SO much more for me to see!). I made a handful of the best friends anyone could ever hope to have. I have the most loving and supportive family that everyone should have. I am a truly blessed woman and I am sincerely grateful for each and every blessing that is bestowed upon me - no matter how big or small.

Having a chronic, debilitating illness is not easy to say the least, but it does bring with it some very good things. That strength I mentioned above has grown exponentially. Even armed with the knowledge that I was strong, no one can ever be prepared for the unique challenges of being chronically ill. On the flip side, I dare to say that no one can ever be prepared for the deep-seated, primal strength and will to survive that also accompanies a sickness. It's there, deep inside. We all have it. It is necessary to draw upon when you're going through such struggles as I've endured these past five years. I am a damn strong person and this disease (or I guess I should say diseases!) built up my strength and has shown me that I can survive. I can get through anything. I now OWN my strength, whereas before TBM it was simply a part of who I was. (Yeah, you may want to think on that one a bit - I did!)

Over the years, I've also learned I had to let go - of a lot, let me tell you! Some of the letting go was pretty easy. Some of the letting go was as difficult to deal with as being ill was; maybe harder in some ways. As I mentioned above I lived a pretty spoiled life. I had a great job that allowed me to enjoy some pretty fine things - and I liked it that way! I've always had

an eye for "nice" things. I can walk into a store and immediately be drawn to the most expensive item in there without even looking at the price tag! :) Don't get me wrong, I still love nice things and do still have many nice things, but I know those nice things that I was so used to being able to afford financially didn't fulfill me and are not necessary to live a happy life. Chronic illness leaves your finances in shambles (that's a whole other blog that I am in the process of preparing) and no longer allows you to indulge in the "finer" things like you used to. Hey, it's all good and you can be very happy with less; maybe even happier than you ever expected to be.

I've also had to let go of that fierce independence that I once wore like a badge of honor of sorts. I was so headstrong and driven to be my own woman that it lead me to shut many people out. I am a bit ashamed to say it, but there was a time that I probably didn't give people real chances to be a part of my life and was loathed to have to ask for help of any kind. I even drove myself to the hospital in the middle of an appendicitis attack because I could not bring myself to awaken anyone in the middle of the night. (I timed the bouts of vomiting and knew exactly how much time I had to get to the hospital!) Folks do not do that to yourselves! Let people in. Let them help you. They want to help you. Think of the joy you experience when you help others. People will experience that same joy when you allow them to help you. It is as simple as that.

I do still struggle with letting people in, but nowhere near to the extent I used to struggle. I do often have to force myself to ask others to help me with whatever it is that I need help with. I will often still take myself to the ER - Eheheh, before you say I haven't learned anything know that I live three blocks from a hospital. It's very convenient. . . I now let people bring me meals when I cannot cook for myself. I now let people come clean for me if I cannot. I now let people take to me doctors' appointment and various tests if I cannot. I let people buy my dog food if it's been a challenging month financially (that one took LOTS of convincing). I now depend on my family and friends way more than I ever thought possible and I do not take any of it for granted. I let people help me and I am a much better and happier person for it. I am a much blessed person for it.

This next one has been one of the hardest things to learn to let go of and, yes, it still hurts

me to my very soul. So here you go - I've had to learn to let go of several friends; a few of whom I thought I could count on for absolutely anything in this crazy world. I know, right! I can almost hear you saying that they weren't true friends if then and I'm better off without them. I do not and cannot look at it/them in that manner. Being chronically ill is SO hard and takes its toll on everything and everyone in your life. The fact of the matter is that some people in your life simply cannot handle it. (Oooohhhhh, that one took lots of therapy and our wrenching tears to understand, but it's so, so true. . . ) They cannot handle seeing you being in pain, being bedridden, being a shell of your former self. They cannot handle all of the cancelled plans that regularly happens. They cannot handle that you can no longer do all of the fun, sometimes expensive, things that you used to be able to do. They cannot handle your tears. It's not your fault. It's really not even their fault, but it is their story. As hurt as I was by losing their friendships, I know that they know exactly what was going on within them and why they could not remain in my life. That is their story. They have to live with it, just as I have to continue to live my life as best as I can without them in it.

Losing friends is never easy, especially when all you did was get sick. Nonetheless, I did learn not to hold grudges and to let go of hurt. Above and beyond losing some friends, there has been so much hurting in my life over the last few year, a lot of which I have not disclosed here an am pretty sure I won't as there will be a time and place for those disclosures in the near future. Letting go of much of that hurt has been freeing. On occasion the searing hurt will creep into my heart and I do have to let myself mourn and cry over it in order to let it out again and that is totally OK. Letting go of the hurt has been healing and led to a peace of mind that I never would have known if I had not experienced those hurts. Will I ever be able to let those friends back into my life in the same manner as prior to my illness? Probably not, but I do still love them deeply and wish them all the best in the stories of their lives that they continue to write. I learned to do that because of being sick.

I've also learned that no matter how prepared you think you are for life or how planned out you have it, in all likelihood it's not going to go that way. We are not in control, no matter how badly we need to be in control. I had a solid plan for my life. I worked very hard to accomplish all that I did, to have the things that I had, to be that independent woman I was. I planned my future out for as far as I could see and it was a bright, productive, happy life I was going to make for myself. I never once involved living in a house with black mold, acquiring tracheobronchomalacia, and being chronically ill. I mean seriously, who would ever plan for that?!?!

Again, I had to let go of those dreams and plans. I had to let go of my beloved schedules and timelines and embrace the unknown and all that that brought with it. For now it is fairly difficult for me to live by a routine and set schedule as I never know what the day will bring to me healthwise. A simple, common cold can knock me down for the count for weeks and no one can be prepared for that. I find ways to "fit things in" on the good days. I've learned to go with the flow, well as much as I'll ever be a go with the flow kind of gal! I do still strive to find some sort of a routine for my day; routines just makes me feel better. I'm not quite there with it yet, but as I continue to move forward and become more acclimated to this new life I find myself building that routine will come and will wrap around me like a warm fuzzy blank! Yours will too, if you desire one. If you don't, then kudos to you for fully embracing a schedule/routine free existence. I have learned that I can now break my routine and it no longer throws my entire day/mindset off. That, folks is progress indeed! I actually kind of like the flexibility I'm finding with not being tied to set schedules and the demands of others. I guess I'm saying that letting go can be extraordinarily freeing when you allow yourself to do so, on your own terms of course, and embrace what that brings.

Along the same lines of not longer having to live by a schedule, I'm not sure if I've mentioned that the possibility of my returning to work at Woodley's has basically disappeared. The longer my illness carries on, the further and further that opportunity gets from me. I'm not sure I can actually sustain the schedule working there demands - even as I move forward in my journey to better health - which will come. I could not be more appreciative for the chance to be part of the Woodley's family or thankful for the way that they treated me during this very long process. Nothing one way or the other regarding my return been written in stone, but I'm a very pragmatic and realistic person, and I know that my time there has passed. I'm actually OK with that. I have so many things I want to do and I know that God has put me on this path for a reason. Some of those reasons are as plain as the bright blue sky I'm blessed to live under, while others are as clear as mud! I'm slowly making my way further down His pathway of this journey and know that I"m in for a beautiful future - whatever that may be.

Aw, this brings me to my faith in God All Mighty. Over the years the pathway I walked with God has definitely had many, many ups and downs, back and forths, switchback curves, and even a few cliffs that I dove off of head first. I'm stubborn, headstrong, and very determined to have things the way that I want things; to have life the way I wanted to it. Or at least I

used to be. You know all that "letting go of" that I've been espousing the last few paragraphs? I had to learn to let go of everything, and I mean everything. I had to let go in order to let God in to my heart and soul fully, to let His light burst through the darkness that so readily enveloped me. I had to let go in order to be a better person, to be healed spiritually. I now find my hope in that God will show me how to live the life He wants for me, no matter what my health has in store.

Recently I had my faith called into question. I had started attending a new church with a dear, dear friend who I respect and appreciate very much. This call to question actually served only to reinforce where I am in my journey with Christ, which by the way is in a really, really good place. As we began studying what the tenants of their church were I soon realized that some of her church's basic ideologies did not fit well with me and where my beliefs had come to live. When I expressed this to her and said that I had returned to the church I had been attending, the one where my spiritual needs were being fed, she took it as a personal affront, saying I was not a seeker of the truth found in the Bible. I was actually quite offended by that, yet I also know her statement came out of love from her and for God. I do not fault her for that.

I do not judge others when it comes to their spiritual beliefs; it's not my place. I know I'm not as well-versed in the Bible as I should be, which is something I will dedicate myself to more in the future as I gain more energy. Yet, I do know enough to understand my beliefs. I know what I believe, why I believe it, and how I came to believe it. These last several years, especially this past year when I had such high hopes for returning to full health ripped away, or perhaps just delayed, have brought with them an abundance of challenges. I've wrestled with why this happened to me, what God wanted from me, how He wanted me to use these experiences. I even questioned where God was on more than one occasion. I never, however, questioned His existence or my faith that He, more than anything else in this world, would pull me through the darkness. He granted me the grace I had not yet learned to grant myself. He granted me mercy from the darkness.

Maybe religion is not for you and that's absolutely OK. As long as you have peace in your soul, I'm good with that. What I do know is that for me God is real. God will show you His way if you let go and let that happen. This does not mean, as some common cliches will misguide you to believe, that if I "Let go and let God," then your job is over and done with and everything will work out just fine in your favor. That's not how the world works. We have to do the work that is put before us. God will guide us and be there for us, but we have to do the work. We are humans after all. We are not promised a happily ever after here on Earth simply for believing in God; that comes later. His promise to us is to be there for us, to hold us, to get us through the rough stuff. Amen.

I know with absolute, 100% certainty, that I would not be here today, sharing my story with you, had He not held me in His arms and walked beside me every step of the way, even when I could not feel Him, through this journey. I now know more peace and happiness than I've ever known. This may sound absurd to you, but it's the truth. I've had to let go of so many of the things/ideas that I held as important, as somehow vital to my existence, that I see things more clearly than ever. For me that would never have happened had it not been for this chronic illness I found myself living with or for my faith in God.

So one year ago today, I woke up in the ICU in more intense physical pain than anything anyone should ever have to experience. In spite of this pain, I found myself being able to breathe better than I had in longer than I can remember. I found the horrendous, barking, body-encompassing cough all but gone. It took a while, but the pain that came with the removal of my rib during the big remodel subsided. I do still feel twinges today if I move the wrong way or have a really bad coughing fit. But it's all good when I take a deep breath and FEEL my lungs FULL of air and do not immediately dive into a spasm of cough.

As the year progressed I learned I had to let go in order to find myself; to find out who I truly am, what I truly need, and how to be truly happy. I do still have worries and concerns, we all do. I do still have bad days, both physically and emotionally. I still have a pretty big health mountain (a direct reference to the treatment plan I was given by Dr. Sultan, who treated me for mold exposure) to climb. I look to that mountain now and know that I can climb it; at least most of it any way. I will continue to get better, to grow stronger, and settle in to a good life full of happiness and peace of mind.

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I am now in respiratory therapy and feel my body getting stronger with each session. I am

so incredibly thankful to the wonderful respiratory therapists and the great group of people I have met there. It's nice to be in an environment where everyone understands what it's like to not to be able to walk across the living room without desaturating and becoming short of breath. We push ourselves in order to make gains all while having fun and laughing together. We celebrate everyone's successes together and it's so nice to see dependence on oxygen lessen as the weeks pass. It's a pretty intensive program of 90 minutes three times a week and work at home. I am thrilled to say that I look forward to going there every single time and really hate missing it as I am today.

Why did I miss class today, you may be asking? You may not be asking that, but I'm going to tell you anyway! I am spending most of my one year TBPiversary at National Jewish under going one last round of testing in order to prepare for yet another surgery (see my previous post). This particular surgery is proclaimed by everyone on my healthcare team to be the cure all that I'm needing. I'm still in wait and see mode. I had been promised a cure all with the TBP and we all know how that's turned out so far. I am cautiously optimistic that this next surgery will do the trick and get me back to health and being able to live a full life.

Upon reflection, I would definitely go under the knife again as my breathing is that much

better. I don't think I would change much of anything, except for maybe to take away some of the financial struggles, about the last year. I've been through so much, but these struggles have allowed me to grow and become better in so many ways. How could I possible want to change that? I do not know what my future holds, nor do I feel the need to know the way I used to. I do look forward to it, though, and know it's going to be good no matter what! I also know I'll be back out exploring all the amazing mountains I live by and taking more picture soon!

As always, thank you for taking the time to share in my journey. I know that you have better things you could be doing and I appreciate each and everyone of you for spending some time with me. Best wishes and blessings to you all!

Taken September 7, 2018!